II Timothy 1:7 NKJV

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Here I am sharing the diary of my thoughts as of late. It’s quite something when separation anxiety plays a major part in your life and your spiritual walk.

The last couple weeks have felt as if fear has been gripping me at the throat. Two reasons to be exact. Actually three. One being my husband leaving state for a short period of time to go to medical school as he is working on his doctorate. The other being concerned about an upcoming appt for a yearly annual exam followed up by a mammogram. *I’ll be getting to the third reason soon enough.

Regarding my husband, I love him to pieces so it’s always hard to see him leave without me and our children. You’d think I would be use to it as we are now a retired Army family.  We both were soldiers. After 19yrs of marriage, I still shed tears before he leaves anywhere out of town and my mind rolls like a tide wondering and worrying if he is safe on the highways.

These emotions should not rule over me. At all.

The above scripture repeatedly played in my mind as I allowed it to filter into my heart. My husband told me that God is still God and that He is always in control. He told me this not once but twice. The second time was as the days passed upon the arrival of my up and coming appointment to the doctors office.

“Lord I am tired of letting You down as well as myself. I claim Your truths, promises and healing yet I find myself still emotionally consumed with feelings of the unseen and unknown.”

Deuteronomy 31:8 NKJV

And the Lord , He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.”

Boom. Here comes my third reason. The reason that landed me where I should have not landed. The reason that I listed last so that it will make sense.

My separation anxieties would not have me all in a frenzy had I kept my focus on God and not my fears. It’s natural to be concerned about others and situations but I should not allow them to choke me up.

I allowed my thoughts to run rampant. I allowed myself get away from standing still in the presence of God and giving Him my complete trust while letting go of how I felt I could cope with my emotional state.

Simply put, I can do nothing without Him. This I know yet I did not completely relent until the day of my appointment.

CANCER. (lump in my throat)

Thinking that I may be the next woman in my family to have breast cancer and/or ovarian cancer made my stress level skyrocket. My mom and sister are survivors of breast cancer. My paternal grandmother died of ovarian cancer.

“I can’t catch a break to save my life. Sheesh. I’d be the very one to die from breast cancer if my test came back confirming my worst fear.” These were the thoughts running through my mind. Shame on me. I should never feel insignificant to God. He loves me.

Battlefield of the mind. I am at war with myself and the adversary. I press forward to think on good things as scripture tells me.

Philippians 4:8 NKJV

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are  noble, whatever things are  just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are  lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there  is any virtue and if there  is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

… yet I’m still fighting to keep my head above water. Speaking of water, I think about the story when Jesus tells Peter to come to Him out in the open sea. Peter stepped out and walked on water until the the winds blew. His fear, his lack of faith caused him to begin to sink until Jesus pulled him up. (Matthew 14:22-32)

Let me back this whole thing up for a minute. When I find myself withdrawing to grow closer to the Lord, the enemy is on my heels. If he being Satan did it to Jesus then I definitely am not being excluded to be tested and tried. This makes me think back to the biblical story of Job. That man surely went through some storms in his life yet He did not turn his back on God despite all the mental, physical and emotional hardships he suffered. He knew God was still a faithful and loving Father though he knew not why he was suffering.

With all this being said, I need to stick even closer to the Lord. I know this life will not keep me from suffering all things that come my way. Whether it’s through word or affliction I must continue to speak the word of God in my life and over it. I must believe Him for the unseen and unknown even when I’m growing weary.

I’m far from perfect but I continue to strive to live out my life pleasing Him who has purposed every aspect of my life that He would get the glory. His Holy Word tells us: Romans 8:28 ESV

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

So to sum up my thoughts, I took action like never before as I prepped myself to leave the house and as I traveled the highway. I thank the Holy Spirit for bringing my mind and heart into remembrance of scriptures to help, affirm and comfort me through the last couple weeks and to encourage me to fight for my life in Christ.

Words cannot explain the experience I encountered with the Lord before I reached my destination.  One thing I do know is that I was at peace and my mind was settled. I still am. Praise in His presence through worship and prayer carried me unlike any experience I can remember. Though I have yet to know my test results, I know that I know that I know that I am healed and whole whether I receive it in this life or when I go home to be with Him however it may be that I am taken. It doesn’t have to be sickness that we die from. Freak accidents and evil happens everywhere. I could die of natural causes. Better yet, He can just take me home because it’s my time. None of us know the day or hour that we will leave this world so I pray we focus on Him and the life and ministry we are called to carry out. May we love one another and share the Gospel of Christ with those who do not know Him.

I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. Victory is mine. It’s yours too dear believer. We have been given power and authority in Jesus’ name.  We are not defeated unless we throw in the towel.

Remember these words please and cling tight to them. God’s word is truth and He cannot go back on what He says.

Romans 8:38-39 ESV

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

This song was one of the last I listened to before I parked my car. I can’t list every song but I believe the Lord ministered to me through them all. I was left somewhat speechless but full in heart with gratitude and thankfulness.

“Praise you Lord for loving me and lifting me up even when I fail You. Your grace and mercy endures forever. Amen”

Proverbs 3:5-8 ESV

Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.  In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.   Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord , and turn away from evil.  It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.