Separation Anxiety

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II Timothy 1:7 NKJV

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.

Here I am sharing the diary of my thoughts as of late. It’s quite something when separation anxiety plays a major part in your life and your spiritual walk.

The last couple weeks have felt as if fear has been gripping me at the throat. Two reasons to be exact. Actually three. One being my husband leaving state for a short period of time to go to medical school as he is working on his doctorate. The other being concerned about an upcoming appt for a yearly annual exam followed up by a mammogram. *I’ll be getting to the third reason soon enough.

Regarding my husband, I love him to pieces so it’s always hard to see him leave without me and our children. You’d think I would be use to it as we are now a retired Army family.  We both were soldiers. After 19yrs of marriage, I still shed tears before he leaves anywhere out of town and my mind rolls like a tide wondering and worrying if he is safe on the highways.

These emotions should not rule over me. At all.

The above scripture repeatedly played in my mind as I allowed it to filter into my heart. My husband told me that God is still God and that He is always in control. He told me this not once but twice. The second time was as the days passed upon the arrival of my up and coming appointment to the doctors office.

“Lord I am tired of letting You down as well as myself. I claim Your truths, promises and healing yet I find myself still emotionally consumed with feelings of the unseen and unknown.”

Deuteronomy 31:8 NKJV

And the Lord , He is the One who goes before you. He will be with you, He will not leave you nor forsake you; do not fear nor be dismayed.”

Boom. Here comes my third reason. The reason that landed me where I should have not landed. The reason that I listed last so that it will make sense.

My separation anxieties would not have me all in a frenzy had I kept my focus on God and not my fears. It’s natural to be concerned about others and situations but I should not allow them to choke me up.

I allowed my thoughts to run rampant. I allowed myself get away from standing still in the presence of God and giving Him my complete trust while letting go of how I felt I could cope with my emotional state.

Simply put, I can do nothing without Him. This I know yet I did not completely relent until the day of my appointment.

CANCER. (lump in my throat)

Thinking that I may be the next woman in my family to have breast cancer and/or ovarian cancer made my stress level skyrocket. My mom and sister are survivors of breast cancer. My paternal grandmother died of ovarian cancer.

“I can’t catch a break to save my life. Sheesh. I’d be the very one to die from breast cancer if my test came back confirming my worst fear.” These were the thoughts running through my mind. Shame on me. I should never feel insignificant to God. He loves me.

Battlefield of the mind. I am at war with myself and the adversary. I press forward to think on good things as scripture tells me.

Philippians 4:8 NKJV

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are  noble, whatever things are  just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are  lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there  is any virtue and if there  is anything praiseworthy—meditate on these things.

… yet I’m still fighting to keep my head above water. Speaking of water, I think about the story when Jesus tells Peter to come to Him out in the open sea. Peter stepped out and walked on water until the the winds blew. His fear, his lack of faith caused him to begin to sink until Jesus pulled him up. (Matthew 14:22-32)

Let me back this whole thing up for a minute. When I find myself withdrawing to grow closer to the Lord, the enemy is on my heels. If he being Satan did it to Jesus then I definitely am not being excluded to be tested and tried. This makes me think back to the biblical story of Job. That man surely went through some storms in his life yet He did not turn his back on God despite all the mental, physical and emotional hardships he suffered. He knew God was still a faithful and loving Father though he knew not why he was suffering.

With all this being said, I need to stick even closer to the Lord. I know this life will not keep me from suffering all things that come my way. Whether it’s through word or affliction I must continue to speak the word of God in my life and over it. I must believe Him for the unseen and unknown even when I’m growing weary.

I’m far from perfect but I continue to strive to live out my life pleasing Him who has purposed every aspect of my life that He would get the glory. His Holy Word tells us: Romans 8:28 ESV

And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

So to sum up my thoughts, I took action like never before as I prepped myself to leave the house and as I traveled the highway. I thank the Holy Spirit for bringing my mind and heart into remembrance of scriptures to help, affirm and comfort me through the last couple weeks and to encourage me to fight for my life in Christ.

Words cannot explain the experience I encountered with the Lord before I reached my destination.  One thing I do know is that I was at peace and my mind was settled. I still am. Praise in His presence through worship and prayer carried me unlike any experience I can remember. Though I have yet to know my test results, I know that I know that I know that I am healed and whole whether I receive it in this life or when I go home to be with Him however it may be that I am taken. It doesn’t have to be sickness that we die from. Freak accidents and evil happens everywhere. I could die of natural causes. Better yet, He can just take me home because it’s my time. None of us know the day or hour that we will leave this world so I pray we focus on Him and the life and ministry we are called to carry out. May we love one another and share the Gospel of Christ with those who do not know Him.

I am more than a conqueror in Christ Jesus. Victory is mine. It’s yours too dear believer. We have been given power and authority in Jesus’ name.  We are not defeated unless we throw in the towel.

Remember these words please and cling tight to them. God’s word is truth and He cannot go back on what He says.

Romans 8:38-39 ESV

For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

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God Knew Me: The Before, After & In Between of Abortion

"Before I formed you in the womb I knew you..."(Jeremiah 1:5)

“Before I formed you in the womb I knew you…”(Jeremiah 1:5)

Lord, I thank You for my life and that of all of the children I given birth to. I even thank you for the life created in me that did not survive. Every thing has its purpose and its time. May my lesson in life, loss and hope be of treasure to one if not more for Your Word does not go out void.

*The above picture is of one of my Bibles, my oldest daughter Divine Hope’s umbilical cord clip, one of her first pair of socks and her first pair of church shoes! This young lady is 17 years of age soon to graduate from high school and then off to college. I thank the Lord for her always.

(sigh) While I know abortion is a very sensitive and touchy subject I am willing to share my story, my pain and my healing. I pray for the hearts, minds and bodies of all women who have endured various types of abortions. Please know that I am not here to condemn one soul but to inspire and encourage. I am not God nor am I a medical advisor. What I am is a living and breathing testimony to the love of the One who saved me through my sins, my past and my pain. No one can lead us and guide us into doing what is right except He Who is the Giver of Life. PRAYER CHANGES EVERYTHING

The Holy Bible tells us that God knew us before we were born. He knew us before we were even conceived.

13 For you created my inmost being;
    you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
    your works are wonderful,
    I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
    when I was made in the secret place,
    when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
    all the days ordained for me were written in your book
    before one of them came to be.
17 How precious to me are your thoughts,[a] God!
    How vast is the sum of them!
18 Were I to count them,
    they would outnumber the grains of sand—
    when I awake, I am still with you. (Psalms 139: 13-18)

With teary eyes and a heart that still aches from time to time over the life I never got fully embrace, I am being obedient to the Lord to share with you my loss and my hope. About a month ago this subject was placed on my heart and I began to write but could not finish. I barely got through it without crying. Though the Father has blessed my husband and I many times over with a womb to carry and deliver and raise up 5 children, I still remember the baby I lost. I was in my 1 trimester. Now though in the medical world, it’s not considered a baby at that point it is still a life being formed. I am not going to attempt to try to break down the gestation so bear with me. My point is to say that LIFE is growing and developing inside the womb NO MATTER what it (baby) looks like.

As I was saying before, I miscarried (spontaneous abortion). My baby was not to be seen ever again. While not trying to be too graphic as the reminder still sits fresh with me I thought I was having a bad monthly period until I seen an unusually large clot fall into the toilet. Being that I was a young woman in my early 20’s and still maturing mentally and physically something in my heart didn’t feel right. A part of me wanted to scoop what dispersed out of my body into a bag before calling my husband into the bathroom to tell him that something was wrong with me. I thank God for Tim and his profession. He is a RN so I am always asking questions to this day. Anyway, I got myself together and off I went to see a doctor just to find out that I was actually pregnant but was miscarrying at that time.

That was one of the saddest days of my life. I cried, I wept and I mourned for the longest. Only God knew why my pregnancy did not continue. Maybe my baby was sick. I really don’t know. The only thing I was assured of was that God was in control and I trusted Him through it all. I was so grateful and thankful that I had my husband by my side to comfort and console me as I did him. I remember us going home, getting down on our knees and praying.

Gosh this is so hard to tell and relive all over again. “Father God I am truly trusting you as I open up my life once more to a bunch of folk I do not even know because  as You already know, I do not talk about this with anyone or share it unless I really have to and it’s usually only a doctor when I am doing medical history type of stuff. I pray Your will be done in my obedience because it’s really not about me. It’s about You. I lay my tears before the throne and cast my cares and concerns at Your feet. Touch the woman, the young girl who has miscarried or had chosen to abort her baby for whatever reason. Let them know that You love them no matter what. Lord provide a ram in the bush for the one considering the pill or the clinic to rid their body of the life You knew; the life that was created for Your glory. God You are the giver and taker of life. Not us. You knew us all by name and we are alive to see it. The unformed child and the one growing deserves a chance at life, a chance to make a difference in this world. We do not know the plans You set in place for the unborn. I ask that someone or some thing comes into the path of the brokenhearted ,misguided and blinded. I bind up the lies the enemy plans and carries out. Let the weary soul be set free to do what’s right. May the mind be placed in rest and in peace when they choose to seek You before carrying out such a tragic procedure that could cost them their life just as well as the unborn child that will have a heartbeat soon to stop. May Your light shine, Your love fill up and Your arms cover and shelter the mother-to-be as she makes one of the biggest decisions of her life. Once the human life is gone, there’s no turning back. The only thing left is a bunch of pain and memories even if they are suppressed. Lord, I seek Your face on behalf of hurting. I pray that they turn not to the human first for guidance but to You because I know that You can not and will not steer us wrong. In the mighty Name of Jesus I pray, Amen.”

I had to say a prayer in the middle of this post. I refuse to allow the enemy to deter me from speaking up and speaking out. Ok I suppose I can get back to ending my personal story and ending it with a word of encouragement. This is my hope.

Needless to say, God brought healing and filled my womb once again with love that spilled over into life after my loss in due time. He is my Rock, my Shelter, Great Physician, Healer, Deliverer, Redeemer and Love. What He has done for me, I know that  He can do for you too. I believe it because I am a witness to all He’s brought me through. Now your story may be worse than mine especially if you have had an abortion by choice. God forgives you. His love does not change like the wind. He is Divine. Do not allow the world and the ways of it to deceive you into doing something that is wrong. Indeed it is a sin to kill and it is one of  God’s commandments. (Exodus 20 verse 13 Thou shalt not kill.)

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord, The fruit of the womb is a reward. Psalms 127:3

I do not condemn you for your past or your choices for we all have sinned in one way or another. 23 for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God, 24 and all are justified freely by his grace through the redemption that came by Christ Jesus. Romans 3:3-4

I am not your judge and I will not judge. Only God who reigns above brings judgement. He is THEE JUDGE. I am called to love you like Christ. This is the One  who gave up His life on the cross for all of our sins past and present. So even if the love of the world does not show it like it should, He is the One who does not love like the world. Is does not sway and it does not change. It is unconditional.

I do pray that those who are believers and followers of Christ Jesus strive each and every day to show His love to all just as He has shown to us. May mercy and some grace be given and shown to those who have done wrong in the sight of the Lord because He is mighty and able to save and deliver just as He has done already for so many of us.

To God be the glory forevermore. Amen.

Be encouraged, strengthened renewed. Seek the Lord today and allow Him to order your steps….

Love and Blessings in Christ the Savior,

Terra

Sticks and Stones May Break My Bones But Words Will Never Hurt Me

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Photo Source: rushtonphillips.com

I’m going to make this post short (I hope) and to the point. If the picture above is huge, it’s because I am blogging from my iPhone and my mind is somewhat scattered.

“Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me.”

Well that’s a lie!

In the book of James, chapter 3 talks about taming the tongue. We can speak blessings out of it towards God but curse man with it just as well. This is so wrong. There is power of life and death in this little member of our body that we have. Who can tame it? Lord help us all.

Well I must say that this week had been a good one for me so far. As the saying goes, today is Freaky Friday/ the freaks come out at night Friday or something along those lines.

Anyway, I typically don’t go out the house too much on Fridays simply because of all the traffic of the weekend starting BUT today was mommy- daughter day and I took my younger girls out to see a movie a few hours ago. In route, I was rudely cut off on the highway almost causing my car and another vehicle to rub sides.

I let it go.

The closer I got to town, a guy waits to pass me and yells out a racial slur with curse words for no reason. Well I’m sure he thinks he had a reason but there was no justification for his ignorance.

I let it go though I chose to yell back “God bless you!” and then I said a quick prayer for him. ( I was in a convertible so that’s the only reason why I yelled. I could have kept my mouth closed all together but I wanted to speak life into the atmosphere. I chose to bless the guy instead of lashing back. At the same time, I allowed my girls to see that we should not do tit for tat, indulge in ignorance of foolish talk which could lead to more destructive behavior of the person who started it. You get what I’m saying.

Jesus says: But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you, (Matthew 5:44 NKJV)

Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult. On the contrary, repay evil with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing. For,”Whoever would love life
and see good days must keep their tongue from evil and their lips from deceitful speech. (1 Peter 3:9, 10 NIV)

* I’m getting to my point of why I’m writing! Just hold on. I’m longwinded and seemingly have to share just about every detail of my story! It’s a habit. Sorry!

As I was walking towards the theatre I thought about this whole sticks and stones bit. Yes my feelings were hurt because of the racial remarks and that my children had to hear it but at the same time I felt worse for the guy who said it. He’s lost. He doesn’t know Christ and I can only pray that he does not cross paths with another person who may not handle him the same way.

I also thought about how we as Christians are and will be persecuted many times over and some even killed simply because we believe in Jesus and serve him. (martyrdom)
Whether we suffer various things based upon race, creed, prejudice, envy or what have you, we clearly need to be prepared for worse. We will suffer because of Who we belong to. This world just keeps getting more and more ugly. We must be careful in what we say and how we treat others. There is enough evil being done amongst one another in general. We need not throw fuel to the flame.

May we stand out and make a difference. We are called to be the salt of the earth. We have been chosen and transformed. May we not fall into the pit of trying to repay evil back with words or action. Vengeance belongs to the Lord.

Ultimately may we reflect and remember that worse was done to Christ. It was more than sticks and stones, the beatings, the lashings, the crown of thorns and mocking, the blood, the tears, the spit and piercing in his side that crucified him. It was our sin that nailed him to the cross. He could have stopped it all yet he endured just for us to have a chance to be set free. He led by example.

May we do the same.

God bless you and keep you in every matter.

A soft answer turns away wrath, But a harsh word stirs up anger. (Proverbs 15:1 NKJV)

Checkmate! O Death, Your Sting Has Been Nipped In the Bud.

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Our Final Victory

Behold, I tell you a mystery: We shall not all sleep, but we shall all be changed in a moment, in the twinkling of an eye, at the last trumpet. For the trumpet will sound, and the dead will be raised incorruptible, and we shall be changed. For this corruptible must put on incorruption, and this mortal must put on immortality. So when this corruptible has put on incorruption, and this mortal has put on immortality, then shall be brought to pass the saying that is written: Death is swallowed up in victory.

O Death, where is your sting? O Hades, where is your victory?

The sting of death is sin, and the strength of sin is the law. But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. Therefore, my beloved brethren, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that your labor is not in vain in the Lord. (1 Corinthians 15:51-58 NKJV)

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ENOUGH SAID. DON’T TALK ABOUT IT… BE ABOUT IT.

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Not that I have already attained, or am already perfected; but I press on, that I may lay hold of that for which Christ Jesus has also laid hold of me. Brethren, I do not count myself to have apprehended; but one thing I do, forgetting those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead, I press toward the goal for the prize of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus. (Philippians 3:12-14 NKJV)

God bless each and every heart that loves the Lord and strives daily to be like him. I encourage you to put on your Amor of God ( Ephesians 6:10-18 ) daily and to go out knowing that the victory has already been won!

Checkmate.